


i’ve had enough.

by suicidalbcstard



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Heavy Angst, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-02
Updated: 2020-08-02
Packaged: 2021-03-06 02:15:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,094
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25665778
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/suicidalbcstard/pseuds/suicidalbcstard
Summary: semi doesn’t know what to do anymore. his parents are constantly pressuring him to continue playing the guitar and the piano, but he’s lost interest and wants to continue volleyball. however his parents are unsupportive and his mother expects him to pursue music.shirabu constantly teases his hot-headed upperclassman, and sometimes his words hurt. semi’s at his final breaking point.
Relationships: Semi Eita/Shirabu Kenjirou
Kudos: 102





	i’ve had enough.

**Author's Note:**

> hey guys! my wattpad is @kpopfan-comm.   
> if you can’t find it, search ‘bet killugon’ it’ll pop up! i’m writing a haikyuu one shots book, and once i publish the book, you’ll find this same one shot there, but with an alternative ending!!

semi doesn’t know what to do anymore. his parents are constantly pressuring him to continue playing the guitar and the piano, but he’s lost interest and wants to continue volleyball. however his parents are unsupportive and his mother expects him to pursue music. he doesn’t want to continue to learn the guitar or the piano, for it was just not his forte. however, he found it annoying that his parents, mostly his mother would force him to attend lessons.

for the past four years, he had been trying his best to figure out a way to get his mother to quit piano and guitar as he was trying his best to maintain his straight As and also balancing college prep classes, volleyball, his volunteering work, piano and guitar. he was constantly grouchy, hot headed and genuinely wanted to stay at home and ignore everybody.

his life was definitely not that easy. he hated that everybody thought of him as a perfect student, son, person in general. he was sick of trying to be perfect, of faking it. though he would hide it from everybody he knew. his deepest desires to just end it all were locked away from everybody, making sure they will never find out about his craving for what everybody tried to avoid.

all of those voices in his head, messing with him. it would constantly tell him to end it all, to put himself out of his own suffering. most of the time, he would agree with them. sometimes, he would try to push away the thoughts and the loud voices in his head. he was a great friend, was popular, had a good spot on the volleyball team. that was until shirabu kenjirou came.

currently, semi was on the bench at the finals, going against karasuno. he was out of the game, not that he really minded anyways. he wasn’t upset that he wasn’t in first string, not that he wasn’t the setter of the shiratorizawa volleyball team. he was now pinch server, shirabu claiming his spot as the setter. apparently, according to the coach, his playing style was very different from the shiratorizawa style volleyball, causing him to lose his spot as setter.

it really hurt to find out that his parents were watching, and he wasn’t even in first string, nor was he even in half of the game. he could feel his parents disappointed stare from up in the stands, as he shook his paranoia off and decided to focus on the match rather than worry about what his parents were going to tell him once the game ends.

in the end, they lost. shiratorizawa had lost to karasuno, the school rising up from the dust. the third year saw all of the first string players standing in defeat, some of them having tears in their eyes, which was mostly shirabu and goshiki. semi went to comfort the first year, claiming that it was alright, and that they have next year. which reminded him, since they lost the finals, the third years were graduating. that stung, knowing that his last game at the powerhouse shiratorizawa would be the last time he ever gets to stand on court. even if he wasn’t on first string, even if he wasn’t in the game for barely half of it.

semi walked out of the venue, only to bet met with disappointed stares. he clenched his fists, trying to avoid the stares of his parents as his teammates appear behind him. he told his teammates to leave without him, and they nodded, bidding him goodbye as he finally gathered the courage to look up at his parents.

“you weren’t even on the court for a long time. and you got demoted from that position of yours? i’m severely disappointed. this is why you should’ve quit this trash sport and focus more time on piano and guitar.” his mother spat, the look on her face caused tears to form in semi’s eyes, which he blinked away rapidly in fear of his mother scolding him out in public. he nods, following them back to his car, where he sat in the backseat silently, contemplating his mother’s hurtful words.

would it really be better if he quit volleyball as a whole, and finally try to make his parents proud by focusing more on music? 

-

ever since that day, semi focused more on his studies and piano, and guitar. he originally would check up on the volleyball team along with the other third years, but now he stopped visiting. whenever the third years would ask him to join them in watching the volleyball practice, he would always tell them he was too busy going for piano classes to care. that was partially true, he really didn’t have enough time to waste on watching something he was being forced to drop.

that didn’t mean that he didn’t want to visit. his heart ached so badly whenever he walked past the gym, knowing his friends and juniors were inside, training, while he would be stuck getting picked up by his driver to go for piano and guitar classes. he wasn’t fond of it, and would drag himself to go for it since his parents would yell at hi if he were to skip any lessons.

it was surprising that not even his piano teacher didn’t notice his dislike towards piano and the guitar, which made him wonder about whether anybody really cared. he was certain that nobody did, which caused him to start having the voices again. he was beyond terrified, as he wouldn’t be able to sleep due to the fact that the voices kept telling him that nobody cared.

his friends stopped asking where he was, his juniors teased him and bullied him, though he never said anything back. he would stay up all night, even if he was on the brink of passing out, just because he didn’t want the next day to come and him having to go through the same boring routine of going to school, then piano and guitar classes, then go back home to do homework and then rest.

it was sickening. semi would get constantly frustrated at everybody he knew, since all of his pent up anger from his parents was surfacing, causing his mood to go downhill and his anger level to increase rapidly at the randomness moments of the day. 

he had one friend outside of his own school, from the same prefecture. it was tooru oikawa, from soba johsai. as much as oikawa hates ushijims, he and semi were the best of friends. it came as no surprise they found out they were friends. oikawa didn’t know about his family situation, but the brunette would always scowl whenever shirabu insults semi.

the second year’s remarks hurt semi deeply, but he hid his emotions extremely well. oikawa noticed the slightest flaw, and would tell shirabu to be nicer, which semi was grateful for. he could just endure it, like he always did. he could shut his feelings out from everybody, as he used to do.

his parents would constantly belittle him, and so did the voices. they were getting way too loud, constantly telling him that he should just give up, and that nobody cared for him anymore.

‘give up. nobody cares. your parents hate you, you’re a waste of space.’

‘would’ve been better if you just killed yourself.’

‘your friends left you because you’re terrible at everything you do!’ 

the voices in his head were eating him from the spin side, making him have those episodes where he would lock himself in his room, cry it out and wreck his whole room. his anger issues were getting worse, and he was forced to lock his feeling away whenever he had those episodes, or just in general. he detached himself from everybody that he knew, making sure no one will come up to him and ask whether he was okay. 

“semi. are you alright?” reon asked, as he caught sight of him walking along the corridors. semi glanced at reon, nodding stiffly before making a break for it. he took long strides as he walked away, trying to get away from people because he wasn’t in the mood. he was tired, agitated, and he just wanted to go home and be away from everybody.

semi felt his phone vibrate, and he takes it out of his pocket, his eyes widening and chest clenching painfully as he read the messages he was receiving. his parents wanted him to go for more piano classes before he graduates. he stiffly replied, hands shaking violently as he held back tears. after sending the message, he keeps his phone and continues walking towards his next class.

“eita. have you been practicing your piano and guitar?” his mother asks when she arrives home from work. semi, who was sitting on the couch and just watching the news since he was told to watch less childish things. he nods, annoyed that she was forcing him to do so many things, and he couldn’t tell her that he just wanted to play volleyball again.

but the last time he told her that he wanted to go back to volleyball and drop guitar and piano, he got a half an hour scolding about how he didn’t do much in volleyball and was useless to the team, and it’ll embarrass him and his parents again.

“good job. i expect a lot from you, alright? you can’t disappoint us again. it’s embarrassing if you do, i won’t be able to show my face ever again.” she said, loosening her tie as she walked up the stairs of their bungalow. semi nods, tensed as she finally reached the top of the stairs, and he was finally able to let loose and sit however he wanted. 

-

the other third years were going towards the gym, when kawanishi poked his head out of the gym. he briefly glances at them, before his face soured. the third years looked at the vice captain, who looked upset a little. the new volleyball captain walks out, and he sighed when he didn’t see semi. he was about to say something, when they all saw semi walk out.

he had his hands shoved into his pockets, earpiece in as he walked. he wore a white hoodie, and they followed his eyes to see an expensive black car waiting for him. they see him get in, nodding before the car drove off. shirabu bit his inner cheek, now wondering what was going on.

shirabu didn’t care about semi. he shook his head, telling himself that he didn’t care. he beckons for them to go into the gym, but would look back to see if the car was gone. he sighed, going back in to start practice.

-

‘why don’t you just kill yourself?’ he thought as he tried to push that thought aside. he curled up into a ball in the car, and his driver noticed. the driver blinks, looking at semi through the mirror worriedly. 

“are you alright, semi-sama?” he asks, and semi looks up, nodding. the driver shakes his head, before dismissing the matter. semi looked down at his wrists, sighing as he pulled up the sleeves a little, seeing a few lines marring the skin. the pain didn’t hit him when he first did it, but a few days later as he strained his arm, the pain magnified tenfold. 

his mother was pressuring him more. his body was already weaker than it used to be, and his mental health was deteriorating extremely fast. he couldn’t feel anything anymore, and he thought it would be for the best. his smile was empty, answers dull and lack of emotion. it was like he was a robot, and his mother was controlling him. 

he tried to shut the voices out, and would cover his ears and do his best to ignore it. he didn’t want to give in to the voices. he didn’t want to be a failure again, to meet his parents expectations. he dropped volleyball for this, he didn’t want that to go to waste just because he failed in life.

“eita. you have a performance at the concert hall next month.” his mother told him the moment he reached home, and all he did was nod, and proceed up the stairs to retire into his room.

-

“i’m glad we all met to watch the concert today.” ushijima said as the volleyball team walked into the concert hall. they were all wearing formal attire, walking in. they looked around, seeing a lady walk in with a few bodyguards and other people. 

“good evening, semi-san.” the host bowed to the lady, who smiled softly, nodding her head as the group was escorted to a private section. the volleyball team had their eyes widened. ‘semi?’ they thought as the lights dimmed, and the host began the concert. they were all thoroughly impressed by the first few performances, until they got to the last performer.

“and for our last act tonight, give it up for the one and only, semi eita.” the host said, and semi walked out, wearing a suit. the volleyball team had their mouths agape as they looked at their friend and upperclassman. he sat down by the piano, and put his hands onto the keys, nodding. he started, and reon immediately recognised the song.

they watched him play gracefully, and the crowd was mesmerised by the fluency. shirabu felt mesmerised, looking at semi. he saw a few tears drop, and his eyes widened, dismissing it as he waited for the song to be over. when it ended, everybody stood and clapped for him, and semi bowed. 

the team was walking out, when they saw semi walking with his mother.

“good job, eita. could’ve been better. see? this is much better than you playing that god forsaken sport. what was it? volleyball?” she said, and semi nodded stiffly. he didn’t know what to say, so he could only smile and nod. the team doesn’t say anything, watching their hot-headed friend being treated the same way as he was right now. 

they felt their hands clench, angry that semi was being treated that way. shirabu looks at the figure that was walking away from him, and he could see how tense semi was. was that the reason he acts like the way he does during volleyball? the reason why he gave shirabu so much advice, was it so they could go to nationals, and he wouldn’t have his mother have her way with him? 

“so that’s why he gave kenjirou so much advice.” tendou mutters, looking at shirabu. he was confused at first, until he put two and two together. it wasn’t just because he wanted to help shirabu become a better player and a good team captain, but also because it was so that they could win and go to nationals.

it was so that he could avoid quitting volleyball and avoid listening to her and continuing to learn the piano and guitar. shirabu suddenly felt bad that semi was just trying to do something in his life without doing it directly, and because he just wanted an escape from his awful mother.

-

it all happened like a blur. shirabu went through school and volleyball as per usual, until goshiki could be heard from one of the bathrooms by the gym. the third years rushed to where goshiki was, hearing him scream for help. they ran into the bathroom, seeing goshiki’s back and legs. he was in a cubicle, crying out as reon and tendou rushed over to him. 

they freeze, as they helped goshiki up. the first year looked to the side to see yamagata, who had his arms wide open as goshiki went over to him. tendou was shaking as reon picked up an unfamiliar body. when they ran past them, they recognised who it was immediately. semi was limp in reon’s arms, blood dripping everywhere, his face pale.

ushijima immediately called in ambulance, and reon offers to follow semi on the ambulance, while the others would take the bus or cab. he looked worriedly at semi, who was losing a lot of blood from all the self inflicted injuries. reon held semi’s bloody hand, looking at him. semi looked oddly peaceful, a contrast from his constant scowl.

upon reaching the hospital, semi was taken away, and reon was left standing in the middle of nowhere, to collect his thoughts and decipher how to feel about this current situation. angry, that none of them noticed how he was feeling, upset that he didn’t confide in them, deciding on locking it up so nobody would be aware of his thoughts and emotions.

the other members of the volleyball team appeared by his side, panting for breath and worriedly looking at reon. he was baffled, mostly. he just couldn’t believe that semi would do something like this to himself. they waited as patiently as they could, hoping that they would get good news. 

-

“anybody looking for semi eita?” someone yelled, and the volleyball team immediately stood up, excluding goshiki. the first year had been exhausted and severely traumatised, so tendou helped him call his mother, so he could go home. reon walked over to the doctor, who explained something that shirabu couldn’t decipher.

“he’s currently resting, we managed to stop the blood from flowing. he is suffering from depression and extreme blood loss.” the doctor said, and reon freezes, before thanking the doctor repeatedly. the doctor allows them to visit him, bringing the team to the room that semi was residing in currently.

tendou’s playful attitude dissipated as he said that he would be going in first. he nodded, stepping into the room that smelled much like disinfectant and a faint smell of pine. the smell was overbearing for tendou, but he ignores it to the best of his ability and takes notice of semi’s complexion.

said male looked peaceful, but his arms and head was bandaged, and any sharp objects were taken out of the room, that could possibly hurt him in any way possible. the middle blocker sat down by semi’s bed, looking at the pinch server. he held the pale and cold hand, noticing the blood that was seeping through the bandages.

“so that’s why you distanced yourself from us.” tendou said, raising his free hand to brush away semi’s bangs. he knew semi since they were kids, but tendou had zero idea about semi’s family situation. 

he heard yelling from outside, and he looked out to see semi’s mother trying to get in, looking evidently upset and angry. most probably because semi did something stupid. he stood up, walking towards the door. he was extremely, so he managed to block the door as he looked at semi’s overbearing mother. 

“let me see my son.” she demanded, and tendou shook his head. he looks down at the female, scowling as he crossed his arms, bending down to look at her in the eye.

“i’m not letting you ruin my best friend’s life anymore. you knew that he devoted so much of his time volleyball. just because he lost his position as setter, does not mean that he’s useless.” tendou said threateningly, nodding at one of the guards patrolling the corridors, taking her and escorting her out.

“that’s why he didn’t visit us anymore?” kawanishi asked, and tendou nodded.

-

the third years were watching practice go on, until tendou received a call.

“are you tendou satori?” the nurse asks, and tendou asks her why she called him. she explains timidly that semi was awake, but clearly unstable and tried to escape. tendou thanked her, already standing up and holding his bag as he hung up.

“i’m going to the hospital. he woke up, but tried to escape.” the third years said they were going to follow, and suddenly the whole team was going with him as they travelled to the hospital. reon and tendou rushed in, too anxious to walk in normally as they reach semi’s room, seeing him being held down by a few nurses.

reon walks in, looking at the nurses as they let go. semi sat up, until he makes eye contact with disappointed eyes, also known as tendou and reon, staring at him disappointedly. semi felt his hands shaking, as he found that look extremely familiar. he started hyperventilating, shaking his head as he moved away from then.

“i’m sorry! let me go!” semi screamed as tendou panicked. it was then they realised how badly semi’s mother affected him, and surprisingly the one who stepped forward was goshiki. he wasn’t that close to semi to call them friends, but goshiki was fond of semi, as was the other second years excluding shirabu.

goshiki held semi’s hand, calmly rubbing circles, attempting to calm down the shaking third year, who looked distraught and clearly unstable. the first year looked at his upperclassman, holding his hand tightly like he’ll disappear if he lets go.

semi eventually calmed down, and goshiki took a step closer, pulling semi into a tight hug. the third year froze, and the first year rubbed his back, as semi finally calmed down fully. 

“where am i?” he asks, as he snuggles closer to goshiki, who was unsurprisingly warm. the first year was alarmed at how cold semi’s body was. it was like he was dead, but fortunately he was still here with them.

“you’re in the hospital, do you remember us?” yamagata asks, hoping semi didn’t suffer from dissociative amnesia. the ash haired male looked at them, shaking his head slightly.

“i only remember two people..” semi said, his hand on his head as goshiki tensed up suddenly.

“uhh. goshiki tsutomu?” semi points out, as the first year squeezed him a little.

“and shirabu...kenjirou?” he said, head tilted. tendou froze, looking at the mentioned second year. the man himself looked baffled and startled that semi remembered him.

the remaining third years sigh, knowing it was going to be a long ride, trying to get semi to remember everything. 

-

“kenjirou, for the love of god, please.” kawanishi begged his best friend to be nice to semi, who still hasn’t regained his memory. the second year huffed, looking at the third years who were talking to semi. 

“hurry up! stop talking to him, he’s always so hot headed, him losing his memory makes him no different from his past self!” shirabu snapped, and kawanishi shivered at the glare goshiki shot him. ever since semi was discharged, goshiki became more bold and more independent.

semi looked hurt, but nodded at the third years, waving at them before pushing them into the gym, and walking over to the bus stop to go to his home. his mother and father moved out, leaving him alone. his relatives found out, sending him so much money to last him a lifetime, not agreeing with his parents at all.

“shirabu. that was disrespectful.” ushijima said, face blank as the other third years look at him. they shake their heads, and goshiki looked at them, contemplating sneaking out. he noticed none of them were paying attention, so he grabbed his phone, and darted out the door. he saw semi standing there, and he sighed in relief.

“semi-senpai!” goshiki said, and semi turned around, smiling and ruffling goshiki’s hair. the first year giggled, asking whether he wanted to watch practice. semi declined at first, but when he saw the puppy dog yes that goshiki gave him, he caved in, following the first year back to the gym.

he walked in, finding the place a little familiar, yet so unfamiliar. he sat down by the sidelines, looking at goshiki for help. the first year walked over to semi with a volleyball, and asked if he wanted to try playing again. the third years and even kawanishi and shirabu watch in awe as semi’s eyes light up.

he stood up, following goshiki. he said that he didn’t know how to play volleyball, and goshiki rolled his eyes claiming that he admired semi for his skills. semi smiled and thanked him, before goshiki threw the ball towards semi, who tossed it to goshiki, letting the latter spike it. the two of them grin, high-fiving him.

shirabu saw the bright smile on semi’s face, finding it beautiful, not that he would ever admit it. his eyes widened as semi grinned too thinly at the first year. 

that was when the second year wished that person semi was smiling at was him.


End file.
